I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
