and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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