end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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