this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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