what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm sobbing to NWA
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Pooping to opera.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
