Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
