remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
