new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
