A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
