omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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