Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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