It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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