JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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