I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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