The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
