dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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