i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
