I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
