he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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