The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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