yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
