I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
