I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
