Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
