Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
