so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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