pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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