this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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