Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
