Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
