You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
