I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
