I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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