Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
