I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
