Where are you?
In a non slutty way
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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