If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
you never un-have a 4some
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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