Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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