She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
