im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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