I wish I could punch you in the face.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
