watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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