You're my little dorito
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
