so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
