When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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