Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
