Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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