You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
