Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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