You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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