I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
